![]() Comes complete with a variety of catchy slogans from “I Stood With Dan And Look Where It Got Me!” to “I’m Still Standing (even after my Seventh Booster Shot!)” T-shirt entrepreneur: With his fondness for extremely expensive taxpayer-funded shirts, who better to design a complete range of Labor-red casual men’s, women’s and trans attire, ideal for the well-dressed Labor volunteer? Now available in an ultra-light, breathable fabric, Sweaty Dan’s “rort-shirts” are designed to fit comfortably under your work clothes so that you can inconspicuously change costume from hard-working public servant on the public purse to purely voluntary campaign worker (and back again) in a matter of seconds. And for the more adventurous young woman in town, allow one of our hand-picked Quarantine Guards to offer you the delights of a one-on-one full-body massage with added benefits. With Melbourne’s famed boutique and art-themed hotels offering stiff competition, the Dan Andrews Quarantine Hotel chain offers guests the opportunity to relive and re-experience the blissful solitude and nostalgic isolation of the COVID-19 era, when guests had an entire suite to themselves for an entire fortnight and food was brought to their door by an obliging nightclub bouncer in a mask. Hotelier: In this day and age, luxury hotels need their own unique selling point to stand out from the crowd. What comes next for Dan Andrews? David Rowe Available while my stocks still last – which won’t be very long now! Also available with a full set of Jacinta Allan steak knives, barely used!” Saucepan salesman: With his well-deserved nickname of Teflon Dan, who better to front the next marketing campaign for Le Creuset’s latest range of non-stick pots and pans? The ads write themselves: “Hi there! Dan Andrews! You remember me! Well, have I got a treat for you! Next time you’re cooking the books, make sure none of the corrosive stains stick! Instantly wipe away every trace of corruption and scandal with my latest Dan Andrews range of cookware. But what comes next for this highly talented individual? The Fin’s second careers correspondent Ms Rowena Gigi-Conomy offers up some tantalising employment possibilities. Dan Andrews has resigned as premier of Victoria.
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